Ian Lai
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I Don't Care, Really

· 2 min. read

I am well, thanks for asking. It has been a while since I posted anything here. There are a few reasons why but I guess the main reason is my fear of judgement by others. It is the same reason why I have deleted most of my blogs in the past a few months after I have created them.

A recurring process of self-reflection has often made me dissatisfied with my past behaviour and even my past writings. The process is further catalysed by my concerns that as a native English speaker and a student in a somewhat prestigious university, it is necessary for me to be well-versed in the English language and articulative. After all, I am currently pursuing a course that is essay-based in its entirety. I am unfortunately, terrible at phrasing complex sentences according to many of my past English teachers and their criticisms in the past have to some extent, diminished my confidence in publicising any of my writings. I am nevertheless, grateful for their guidance.

My grasp of language however, is not the only reason why and I feel I am often constrained by demand characteristics. For those who know me personally, I can be quite critical on certain issues and I feel my opinions may be strongly opposed or even criticised. I honestly dislike making mistakes and I do not like pre-conceptions of me based around mere words.

Finally, as a "self-proclaimed web developer and designer", I have a rather bad ego which makes me reconsider the way I have presented my posts, from the little things like the formatting to things like the theme and colour scheme.

I have a brain bug that is making conscious reconsiderations before I make a post and after I make one. It is killing me because I am unable to express myself and for some reason I think going on a hiatus or deleting myself off the internet is the only way to solve it.

It seems as though, the more I read what I have written or even work on something I have created (e.g. a web application), the more I find flaws with it and dislike it entirely. I guess I can never be satisfied.

It may seem quite ironic that I am finally expressing myself through this post. I wished I had this figured out before I massacred my past writings. Simply put: I don't care. Welcome to my website. A home for my thoughts. I am tired of being stuck in an online identity crisis that is constrained by my Schizophrenic tendencies. Humans are instinctively judgemental and I should not have let that defined who I am. If anything, I should have kept my old posts and continued posting as it would have shown an evolution of myself, as an individual - a timecapsule of me. I am not politically correct and neither is anyone if you are speaking in terms of social constructivism. If I am empirically incorrect, I will learn from my mistakes. I am not writing an academic paper so I shouldn't even be concerned about my linguistic abilities, even so, most academic writings I have read are poorly articulated.

In short, I have conquered my fear. I do not know why or how but I suppose several experiences in the past have made me realise that we are all the same, simply looking to stand out from a pool of tiny units in a vast cosmos just so we feel different from all the other units for a while. Here is the legitimate me. I am happy in my own way and I don't care even if this post is redundant. I am just going to keep moving forward.

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